blog-o-therapy #2 - Expectations...

http://careynieuwhof.com/2013/11/5-unusual-ways-ministry-leaders-struggle-with-god/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=5-unusual-ways-ministry-leaders-struggle-with-god

So this blog post is pretty good.  And true. I have found myself in each of the places mentioned within the article.

And it raises the question… Why do I let myself get there? I would never let someone that I am counseling believe these lies about their situation. I would explain a loving God who is generous and purposeful to His core. I would offer a God who loves without condition and encourage them with words of Scripture that are profound and moving.

So why, then, as soon as something happens that is difficult in my ministry do I find myself searching my last few days trying to find the reason for why God is allowing this terrible thing to happen to me? More succinctly, why would God allow this terrible thing to happen to such a wonderful guy like me?

And maybe that is the point… The assumption that I carry is that I really am all that wonderful (just ask me), and that being wonderful deserves a certain kind of treatment from God.

Expectations suck!

I expect that if I am "doing well" with God (whatever that means) then the church will grow. I expect that when it isn't moving along at the rate it should, the reason is all about me. I expect that God is going to protect me from the pain of life. I expect that everyone around me is going to eventually see the world just the way I do. And those who see it differently are either wrong or stubborn. And I expect that if I am going to give you pieces of my heart as a friend or a family member, you must see everything just like me.

And if any of those expectations are not met, well then I am very busy right now and don't have time to be with you. And I expect you'll understand and be okay with that.  I am a pastor after all. There are lots of demands on my really important job.

I sound really gross.  Would I even like to hang out with me? To be honest, I don't really like hanging out with me. And maybe that is why I expect you to be or act a certain way and why I expect God to be or act certain ways and when He or you interrupt the patterns of my expectations, I don't have a frame of reference for that. Maybe some part of my relationships with others and God is about a test of whether or not I am okay based on whether or not you think I am.

Maybe I use pain to validate a skewed perspective of how the world around me is supposed to function.

What do you think? What are some of your expectations of God and others?

Blog-o-therapy #1 - What is this internal conflict?

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

So, first of all, if you haven't watched these TED talks yet, #1 - you have been under a rock and #2 - you need you watch these. Vulnerability first and Shame second.

I have watched these and revisited them over the past year and a half. Each time I watch these videos I get different things out of them.  There are many layers to what is being said and as I journey through my own awakening to the world around me and God's magnificent, redemptive plan for it all it opens up new parts that spark new internal conversations. And now we have the impetus for the next few blog posts.

I am thinking about going to therapy. I like counseling. It has proven at times to be very beneficial in my life. But maybe with your help, I can be "therapied" (apparently I just made that word up, or at least spell checker thinks so). So, I will present some internal battles and see where it goes. Maybe together we can unlock some pieces of each other that lead to more and better pieces of those around us and ultimately a truer version of who our God is.

My approach is to not so much present an argument or present a thesis that sways the masses. It will be more about teeing up a topic and giving some random thoughts around this topic that are true of me. So, picture me in your office, ready for therapy. Help me out... Am I crazy? Does this resonate with you?

Topic #1 - I want to be big and small at the same time.

I love influence and taking people on a journey of discovery and growth. I love opening up new worlds for people to explore. And I love watching people achieve more than they ever thought they could. That awakening moment for them is the reason I get up in the morning.

Here is the twist... With increased influence comes the possibility of increased disagreement. And I have discovered that I love having just enough influence to allow me to manage the amount of disagreement I have to deal with. It allows me to "fly under the radar." And it allows me to share my dreams and critique other people's perspective without having to actually be the one on the chopping block.

It seems that reality demands that I must go to both places or neither place.  In other words, as Brene Brown says, you cannot selectively numb. If I choose to avoid the critique, then I choose to avoid influence. I cannot selectively avoid one side or the other.

So I know that,.... And yet I do not want to "go there."

How can I be willing to open up myself to critique because it also opens me up to the possibility of what gets me up in the morning? And I know that robbing myself of critique is robbing myself my created purpose. I know it, but it scares me.

I have been wounded. And I am still standing. I am still okay. I am still here. And yet, I am still scared to death...

Help me out.