http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
So, first of all, if you haven't watched these TED talks yet, #1 - you have been under a rock and #2 - you need you watch these. Vulnerability first and Shame second.
I have watched these and revisited them over the past year and a half. Each time I watch these videos I get different things out of them. There are many layers to what is being said and as I journey through my own awakening to the world around me and God's magnificent, redemptive plan for it all it opens up new parts that spark new internal conversations. And now we have the impetus for the next few blog posts.
I am thinking about going to therapy. I like counseling. It has proven at times to be very beneficial in my life. But maybe with your help, I can be "therapied" (apparently I just made that word up, or at least spell checker thinks so). So, I will present some internal battles and see where it goes. Maybe together we can unlock some pieces of each other that lead to more and better pieces of those around us and ultimately a truer version of who our God is.
My approach is to not so much present an argument or present a thesis that sways the masses. It will be more about teeing up a topic and giving some random thoughts around this topic that are true of me. So, picture me in your office, ready for therapy. Help me out... Am I crazy? Does this resonate with you?
Topic #1 - I want to be big and small at the same time.
I love influence and taking people on a journey of discovery and growth. I love opening up new worlds for people to explore. And I love watching people achieve more than they ever thought they could. That awakening moment for them is the reason I get up in the morning.
Here is the twist... With increased influence comes the possibility of increased disagreement. And I have discovered that I love having just enough influence to allow me to manage the amount of disagreement I have to deal with. It allows me to "fly under the radar." And it allows me to share my dreams and critique other people's perspective without having to actually be the one on the chopping block.
It seems that reality demands that I must go to both places or neither place. In other words, as Brene Brown says, you cannot selectively numb. If I choose to avoid the critique, then I choose to avoid influence. I cannot selectively avoid one side or the other.
So I know that,.... And yet I do not want to "go there."
How can I be willing to open up myself to critique because it also opens me up to the possibility of what gets me up in the morning? And I know that robbing myself of critique is robbing myself my created purpose. I know it, but it scares me.
I have been wounded. And I am still standing. I am still okay. I am still here. And yet, I am still scared to death...
Help me out.
I SO feel your pain. I am not so much scared of disagreement as much as disagreement that comes with personal insult, anger, and dismissal. I am in the process of learning to love past this, but it is challenging.
ReplyDeleteYes, you made a good distinction. I agree with you on that as well. I am okay when people think differently. I get into trouble with folks who are mean about it.
DeleteSounds like you know exactly where you don't want to go - so why is there so much fear attached with going "there?"
ReplyDeleteThat is a good question… I don't know if it is fear as much as just wanting to avoid pain. I am not afraid of pain, I just don't like it… at all! I need to process your question. There are some layers in my own heart with it. Thanks for asking that.
DeleteI should follow up by saying that I did call it fear in the post so you didn't misspeak. I am just trying to refine and more accurately state things as I process.
DeleteThat critique, whether your influence is big or small, still comes down to one meaningful question..."Is it true?" Some falling down is necessary. Pain is part of the deal. Go there! The people who follow you on the journey will appreciate that you've been through it and lived to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement. I am trying to find a way to open up… it has been surprisingly hard to do it.
DeleteVulnerability wouldn't count without something being at stake, and we should be afraid when something meaningful is at stake.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like part of this problem is practical, and part is personal.
There is a serious question of community stability when numbers and critique grows, especially if it's all being routed through you, vis a vis Moses. Obviously that's not as scary of a problem, but it gives more mass to the other when they are entwined.
Anyway.
I think if we are going to be true to the right way of community, we have two duties.
One is to make it like the Garden, the original community.
The other is to make it a reality to others, or participating in God's work.
One is the community looking within, the other is the community looking outside itself. It follows the guard/perform dichotomy of many of God's commands, such as Shabbat.
It is very important to preserve the integrity of our community, but it is just as important to participate fully in God's work of blessing all nations.
We can make community a place which affirms God's desire to bless all people in reality.
If our invitation didn't look like a doctrinal statement, but instead, took all that we learned and have invested in our doctrine, but presented it as an opportunity to SEE us, then we have made it about relationship first. This makes their decision, their response about accepting what we have to offer, and allows them to either choose to trust and accept, or not. It holds an inherent preclusion for most irrelevant disagreements. It shows them the intimate content of what we believe with no strings attached, and that is not easy to criticize, most won't take that route lightly.
When we start talking in those terms, even our critiques become about giving life rather than debating. Our passion distinguished between defending the poor and warring against the rich, between affirming God's plan and attacking those who have fallen away from it.
Disagreement then becomes subsumed by shalom, because we have opened up our invitation in shalom. The only disagreements left are very important, and are very necessary to deal with, as I am sure you are intimately aware.
I have seen it in my life this way:
When I reveal to people they way I live, the manner of my observance, and how serious it is to me, and what it means to me, there are not many questions about doctrine. When there are, they are never spiteful. When I answer with another vulnerable, meaningful response, they are usually satisfied. Disagreements usually pale in comparison to vulnerability because vulnerability makes most of them irrelevant. It tells people there is no fight, no reason to go for the jugular, no sabres at dawn.
I really don't know what that looks like for a community, or a church, but I know it does work. When we can invite and be seen without qualification, we are making a statement of love which defies skepticism, and undermines petty disagreement, and brings shalom from a deep place.
I am not entirely sure of the practical ramifications this has. I don't think I have grasped all of the difficulties in these situations so I can't assert that it is universal.
I hope this helps. It's therapeutic for me to be a part of this conversation as well, thanks for the opportunity.
When I reveal to people they way I live, the manner of my observance, and how serious it is to me, and what it means to me, there are not many questions about doctrine. When there are, they are never spiteful. When I answer with another vulnerable, meaningful response, they are usually satisfied. Disagreements usually pale in comparison to vulnerability because vulnerability makes most of them irrelevant. It tells people there is no fight, no reason to go for the jugular, no sabres at dawn.
DeleteThis may be some of the most profound words I have ever read. Thanks so much for sharing!! I will be chewing on this for awhile.
Thank you, your words are very honoring.
DeleteI would like to add that I replied so lengthily and directly because God has been putting the very same problem in my midst, and this has been all I've got to answer it so far.
ReplyDeleteYou teed it; I don't golf, but will take a swing here anyway. Funny that internal battles and getting up in the morning were both mentioned. My internal battle plays out after I don't get up in the morning. "I feel like giving up", "Sorry God that I said that. I have been blessed in so many ways I can't keep track of them." "But I still feel like giving up, I don't want to deal with anyone or anything today." "Jesus please help me to not be like this. I know it's stupid to keep saying I'm giving up when I know I'm not going to". "But just don't want to face the world today." Etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I wish I was better at diagnosing the source of the negative side of the argument and dealing with that!
DeleteWe know that there are only 2 sources of supernatural power. If it's not from God then ultimately it's from the enemy. And Jesus has given us His Holy Spirit to deal with that. He has won the victory. (But then again, could some of the negative stuff be from just a chemical imbalance in the brain?)
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