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Thursday, April 9, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
My Gospel is NOT a Compromise
There is an interesting conversation emerging in the evangelical world today. The church world wide, but especially in America is going through a massive re-think about what they believe and how they talk about it.
Here is just one of a myriad of examples: http://www.charismamag.com/life/culture/22494-how-the-new-christian-left-is-twisting-the-gospel
First, before I give my thoughts, I want to define terms:
Evangelical - anything that is broadly accepted as right or correct in the MAINSTREAM of the Christian world.
Tolerance - Putting up with another person's view without regard for that person's potential negative impact in the world.
Love - Acting in the best interest of those around me WITHOUT regard for what I get in return.
Affirm - Valuing another person without a necessity to agree with their point of view.
Now that we have this all in place, I want to give a perspective of why I tend to lean into this new conversation with great hope and anticipation for the future on the church.
In short, the church of my parents' generation majored on being "right." And it didn't work.
So, for all those who are beating the truth drum only, I have good news for you. Jesus is truth. He is right. BUT if you don't do what He actually said for you to do the way He said to do it, you are going to lose the voice to teach those things all together.
I read an article years ago by Tony Campolo called Where are all the Liberal Scholars? His simple point was that the church needs the liberal voice. Because without it, we stop thinking. So whomever the Evangelical movement says is okay to listen to, we just buy what they are selling. Whether they buy it or not, whether they are correct or not, whether they align with the agenda of Jesus or not is of absolutely no consequence.
The call of this article was not to agree with the voice of the "liberal" but to value the perspective in conversation so that it helps us with our own doctrinal stands.
The "Theology Police" of the internet have shifted and bifurcated this idea. They want finished truth, resolved journeys and clean understandings of God. The problem is that life doesn't work that way. And the Bible is not written that way. The Bible is written with the goal of tension, not resolution. This is fundamental to the people who wrote the Bible.
This is not a post about the nature of the Scripture. It is a post about how we are avoiding or engaging the present conversation surrounding how to put our God on display to the world. But it does make a few connections to understand that if we look at the Bible as a document that has every point resolved and all truth neatly packaged, we would then try to teach it that way.
But what if God left holes? What if in those holes we are supposed to jump in and see how far down it goes and where else it leads and how that changes how we say what we say?
For the record, God did leave holes. Read Jonah as one of a billion examples. It ends with him on a hill mad at God, and the people of Nineveh repenting. Does Jonah get things together? Do the people of Nineveh fall back? Does God put Jonah in his place? What happens? We don't know. It is unresolved. Just like life. And just like life and the Bible, our theology is not resolved either. And therefore our determination of Christian practice cannot be resolved either - not entirely.
Think of it this way, what part of God do you have TOTALLY figured out? If you answer anything other than "none" I will pray for your pride. We will all admit on the surface that there is more of God to learn concerning every aspect of His character. The problem is that we teach and talk to others as if we have it all figured out. This closed off, dogmatic approach to our discussions about God is not just a "Christian" problem. It is a humility problem.
Maybe we should heed the words of the book we espouse, not just defend our position on it.
1 Peter 3:15 says, "But in your hearts, set apart Christ as holy, always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is within you, YET DO IT WITH GENTLENESS AND RESPECT."
It doesn't say don't have an opinion. And for the record, that is not what the so called "liberal Christian" movement is saying either. you can have an opinion, but share it with gentleness and respect. This would honor Jesus' greatest commandments.
Another passage:
Micah 6:6-8 says,
"With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?"
Here is just one of a myriad of examples: http://www.charismamag.com/life/culture/22494-how-the-new-christian-left-is-twisting-the-gospel
First, before I give my thoughts, I want to define terms:
Evangelical - anything that is broadly accepted as right or correct in the MAINSTREAM of the Christian world.
Tolerance - Putting up with another person's view without regard for that person's potential negative impact in the world.
Love - Acting in the best interest of those around me WITHOUT regard for what I get in return.
Affirm - Valuing another person without a necessity to agree with their point of view.
Now that we have this all in place, I want to give a perspective of why I tend to lean into this new conversation with great hope and anticipation for the future on the church.
In short, the church of my parents' generation majored on being "right." And it didn't work.
So, for all those who are beating the truth drum only, I have good news for you. Jesus is truth. He is right. BUT if you don't do what He actually said for you to do the way He said to do it, you are going to lose the voice to teach those things all together.
I read an article years ago by Tony Campolo called Where are all the Liberal Scholars? His simple point was that the church needs the liberal voice. Because without it, we stop thinking. So whomever the Evangelical movement says is okay to listen to, we just buy what they are selling. Whether they buy it or not, whether they are correct or not, whether they align with the agenda of Jesus or not is of absolutely no consequence.
The call of this article was not to agree with the voice of the "liberal" but to value the perspective in conversation so that it helps us with our own doctrinal stands.
The "Theology Police" of the internet have shifted and bifurcated this idea. They want finished truth, resolved journeys and clean understandings of God. The problem is that life doesn't work that way. And the Bible is not written that way. The Bible is written with the goal of tension, not resolution. This is fundamental to the people who wrote the Bible.
This is not a post about the nature of the Scripture. It is a post about how we are avoiding or engaging the present conversation surrounding how to put our God on display to the world. But it does make a few connections to understand that if we look at the Bible as a document that has every point resolved and all truth neatly packaged, we would then try to teach it that way.
But what if God left holes? What if in those holes we are supposed to jump in and see how far down it goes and where else it leads and how that changes how we say what we say?
For the record, God did leave holes. Read Jonah as one of a billion examples. It ends with him on a hill mad at God, and the people of Nineveh repenting. Does Jonah get things together? Do the people of Nineveh fall back? Does God put Jonah in his place? What happens? We don't know. It is unresolved. Just like life. And just like life and the Bible, our theology is not resolved either. And therefore our determination of Christian practice cannot be resolved either - not entirely.
Think of it this way, what part of God do you have TOTALLY figured out? If you answer anything other than "none" I will pray for your pride. We will all admit on the surface that there is more of God to learn concerning every aspect of His character. The problem is that we teach and talk to others as if we have it all figured out. This closed off, dogmatic approach to our discussions about God is not just a "Christian" problem. It is a humility problem.
Maybe we should heed the words of the book we espouse, not just defend our position on it.
1 Peter 3:15 says, "But in your hearts, set apart Christ as holy, always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is within you, YET DO IT WITH GENTLENESS AND RESPECT."
It doesn't say don't have an opinion. And for the record, that is not what the so called "liberal Christian" movement is saying either. you can have an opinion, but share it with gentleness and respect. This would honor Jesus' greatest commandments.
Another passage:
Micah 6:6-8 says,
"With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?"
The question here is, "How can I worship God?"
And God says, "Here is how... Act Justly (mishpat - for you word study people), love mercy, and walk humbly with God."
To walk humbly with God means that you present yourself in a posture that says you don't have it all figured out. You have an opinion, but humility says it could be the wrong one.
At the core of this whole larger conversation is a central question about how Jesus would handle the contemporary cultural issues that we are facing. And that truly is the question for the ages.
Here is what I know. The only people that Jesus ever gets mad at are religious people who believe they have it all figured out. People who marginalize other opinions and bypass actually caring about the people that God deeply cares about in the name of truth.
I think that this conversation that is going on in the church is not the "liberal left" of Christianity distorting the Gospel and trying to get us to compromise. I think it is about people who have made it a life pursuit to live out faith in the world through a community called the church. And the church gets in the way of its own success in the name of being right. And so these revolutionaries are forcing the issue of how the church should actually act - not just believe - so that we can actually see God put on display correctly before we worry about being right.
In other words, being Godly is far more important than being right. And being Godly demands that we give other opinions a voice in the conversation. After all, God listens to you, maybe you should try it as well with others. It does not mean that we tolerate the opinion. It does mean that we affirm the person. And that, at its core is an act of love.
I think that the church in America needs to wake up and realize that we are having a one sided conversation on truth and no one is listening. That doesn't make the truth we espouse wrong. It means we need to measure our approach. Or we will lose our voice altogether.
The Gospel of Jesus is the amazing news that the God and creator of the universe took on a fleshly form because He is determined to set you free from the struggle trying to bring peace into your life on your own. This Good News exists because that God is in your corner. He is pulling for your success. He is for you. And He will do whatever it takes to show you how much He loves you. And that is true for the person with an opinion different than yours as well.
Maybe the call to make disciples isn't so much about getting people to believe like I do. Maybe it is more about putting the God of the Gospel of Jesus Christ on display in the world and watching how people respond.
That Gospel is not a compromise. It is an ongoing conversation. It is fluid and mysterious. But it is not a compromise. It is an invitation to freedom and wholeness. It is a message that forces me to value the people I am talking with, not just the topic I am talking about. It is a message that demands that I wrestle with culture and context to always make sure that I am representing this Gospel well, not just being right.
It is a Gospel that values people the same way that our God does. This Gospel is not a compromise. It is an invitation to a better story. Call me liberal if you need to. But this is the Gospel of the Bible. And I will be part of it.
I think that this conversation that is going on in the church is not the "liberal left" of Christianity distorting the Gospel and trying to get us to compromise. I think it is about people who have made it a life pursuit to live out faith in the world through a community called the church. And the church gets in the way of its own success in the name of being right. And so these revolutionaries are forcing the issue of how the church should actually act - not just believe - so that we can actually see God put on display correctly before we worry about being right.
In other words, being Godly is far more important than being right. And being Godly demands that we give other opinions a voice in the conversation. After all, God listens to you, maybe you should try it as well with others. It does not mean that we tolerate the opinion. It does mean that we affirm the person. And that, at its core is an act of love.
I think that the church in America needs to wake up and realize that we are having a one sided conversation on truth and no one is listening. That doesn't make the truth we espouse wrong. It means we need to measure our approach. Or we will lose our voice altogether.
The Gospel of Jesus is the amazing news that the God and creator of the universe took on a fleshly form because He is determined to set you free from the struggle trying to bring peace into your life on your own. This Good News exists because that God is in your corner. He is pulling for your success. He is for you. And He will do whatever it takes to show you how much He loves you. And that is true for the person with an opinion different than yours as well.
Maybe the call to make disciples isn't so much about getting people to believe like I do. Maybe it is more about putting the God of the Gospel of Jesus Christ on display in the world and watching how people respond.
That Gospel is not a compromise. It is an ongoing conversation. It is fluid and mysterious. But it is not a compromise. It is an invitation to freedom and wholeness. It is a message that forces me to value the people I am talking with, not just the topic I am talking about. It is a message that demands that I wrestle with culture and context to always make sure that I am representing this Gospel well, not just being right.
It is a Gospel that values people the same way that our God does. This Gospel is not a compromise. It is an invitation to a better story. Call me liberal if you need to. But this is the Gospel of the Bible. And I will be part of it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
What the year of the diet is teaching me.
So, here is a funny little series of events...
When our church moved into our building, I was so excited about having a space to function in 24/7. It is beautiful and fits our needs very well.
And it was a management train wreck!
Whole new worlds of decisions, needs, and things that were supposed to work that didn't emerged and we were left to deal with functioning in a space that was less than we had expected. 6 months of this proved to be a lot of stress all at once.
Add to that the reality of dynamic organizational and staffing issues that mounted as the staff team also felt the stress and pressure of new horizons, and what you get is a big fat ball of "hot mess."
And speaking of fat, what I got was 30 pounds added to my waistline. I am a stress eater. And apparently, I am pretty good at it.
Our culture doesn't have a great space to talk about over eating. Mainly, I think, because we don't see it so much as a problem. It is more like a bad decision. But for me, what I have figured out to this point is that my condition on the outside corresponds to my condition on the inside. And I am afraid that I was able to let my internal self suffer because I didn't mask it with alcohol or drugs. I masked it with a socially acceptable medium.
But it was still avoidance. And it was still detrimental.
So, as we came into the new year, I officially dubbed 2015 the "year of the diet." In the past, when I would lose weight or get back into shape, it was a very private thing for me. Because I am not so much interested in the scale and what it says, I am interested in dealing with the thing below the thing that would allow me to put so much unhealthy food in my body to begin with. So, the journey of losing weight is not so much about the weight, but about the journey to something deeper.
4 years ago, I lost a lot of weight. It was interesting to observe the responses of people. For the most part, there were people who wanted to know what I was doing and how it was working and how I felt. That is all fine. But there was this contingent of people who wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing that they felt was wrong and how evil it was and one person even said that I should stand up in front of the church and tell everyone not to do what I did.
Seriously...
The journey was never about the weight anyway. It was about the thing that would drive me to over eat in the first place. So, while I don't care what people think about how much I weigh, I wish that people would keep quiet about it.
So this time around I am on a similar journey. An introspective look at what drives my eating. But I am taking a different approach. Since I am trying to get to the thing that drives it all, I suppose the better conversation would be about that. And I have gone public with it. In fact the year of the diet is "Facebook official." And I knew what would happen as soon as I said it. And it did. But I want to make sure to stay on task as I focus inward, not outward.
Some of the funny things that people have said to me so far...
"You're not fat." I never said that. I said that my eating was out of control.
"Don't diet!! Small healthy changes for a lifetime of health." Uh, not even the issue I am dealing with.
For the most part people have been supportive and encouraging. But I don't blame people for missing the mark even in their encouragement. I have still kept the real reason to myself. So, people are working off of what they know.
In an attempt to get the real story on the table, and continue to ramp up my own accountability, I want to share what I am learning as I go through this journey.
1. Our culture is obsessed with food and health. And these problems are systemic, not rudimentary. Our culture's conversation about food would be like trying to shoot a cannon at a castle in order to get it to collapse. But we aren't shooting at the foundation, we are shooting at balloons that are floating up from the watch tower.
2. Some food issues are a real addiction. And especially in the church world, we will listen to a preacher who is completely strung out on food tell us how evil it is to be a drug addict and say nothing.
3. Fitness is not the answer to health. It helps in the process and we should be active. But the same brokenness that drives us to eat can drive us to workout and while it looks healthier, it isn't.
4. The scale doesn't matter. And my clothes and how they fit don't matter either. What matter is an inner state of being that flows out into my worldview and how I treat others.
5. There is a direct connection to our diet (what we eat) and our spiritual well being. Maybe we should take a much harder look at that.
6. Sleep is a gift that gives health. If you want to be healthy - proper rest is key.
7. This is not a journey to a specific destination. So when people ask me how I am doing on the year of the diet, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I have not quit and my soul is healthier than ever.
So, nothing earth shattering, but it does change my perspective a bit on the future of this endeavor. I don't know what it looks like to not connect stress and eating. But unfortunately, what I have to also admit is that I don't know how to connect stress and prayer, stress and meditation, stress and turning to the Lord.
So maybe the biggest lesson that I am learning is that I need God more than ever. And I am still learning how to trust Him. And maybe that is the key that unlocks rest and health and Shalom...
To be continued.
When our church moved into our building, I was so excited about having a space to function in 24/7. It is beautiful and fits our needs very well.
And it was a management train wreck!
Whole new worlds of decisions, needs, and things that were supposed to work that didn't emerged and we were left to deal with functioning in a space that was less than we had expected. 6 months of this proved to be a lot of stress all at once.
Add to that the reality of dynamic organizational and staffing issues that mounted as the staff team also felt the stress and pressure of new horizons, and what you get is a big fat ball of "hot mess."
And speaking of fat, what I got was 30 pounds added to my waistline. I am a stress eater. And apparently, I am pretty good at it.
Our culture doesn't have a great space to talk about over eating. Mainly, I think, because we don't see it so much as a problem. It is more like a bad decision. But for me, what I have figured out to this point is that my condition on the outside corresponds to my condition on the inside. And I am afraid that I was able to let my internal self suffer because I didn't mask it with alcohol or drugs. I masked it with a socially acceptable medium.
But it was still avoidance. And it was still detrimental.
So, as we came into the new year, I officially dubbed 2015 the "year of the diet." In the past, when I would lose weight or get back into shape, it was a very private thing for me. Because I am not so much interested in the scale and what it says, I am interested in dealing with the thing below the thing that would allow me to put so much unhealthy food in my body to begin with. So, the journey of losing weight is not so much about the weight, but about the journey to something deeper.
4 years ago, I lost a lot of weight. It was interesting to observe the responses of people. For the most part, there were people who wanted to know what I was doing and how it was working and how I felt. That is all fine. But there was this contingent of people who wanted to make sure that I knew what I was doing that they felt was wrong and how evil it was and one person even said that I should stand up in front of the church and tell everyone not to do what I did.
Seriously...
The journey was never about the weight anyway. It was about the thing that would drive me to over eat in the first place. So, while I don't care what people think about how much I weigh, I wish that people would keep quiet about it.
So this time around I am on a similar journey. An introspective look at what drives my eating. But I am taking a different approach. Since I am trying to get to the thing that drives it all, I suppose the better conversation would be about that. And I have gone public with it. In fact the year of the diet is "Facebook official." And I knew what would happen as soon as I said it. And it did. But I want to make sure to stay on task as I focus inward, not outward.
Some of the funny things that people have said to me so far...
"You're not fat." I never said that. I said that my eating was out of control.
"Don't diet!! Small healthy changes for a lifetime of health." Uh, not even the issue I am dealing with.
For the most part people have been supportive and encouraging. But I don't blame people for missing the mark even in their encouragement. I have still kept the real reason to myself. So, people are working off of what they know.
In an attempt to get the real story on the table, and continue to ramp up my own accountability, I want to share what I am learning as I go through this journey.
1. Our culture is obsessed with food and health. And these problems are systemic, not rudimentary. Our culture's conversation about food would be like trying to shoot a cannon at a castle in order to get it to collapse. But we aren't shooting at the foundation, we are shooting at balloons that are floating up from the watch tower.
2. Some food issues are a real addiction. And especially in the church world, we will listen to a preacher who is completely strung out on food tell us how evil it is to be a drug addict and say nothing.
3. Fitness is not the answer to health. It helps in the process and we should be active. But the same brokenness that drives us to eat can drive us to workout and while it looks healthier, it isn't.
4. The scale doesn't matter. And my clothes and how they fit don't matter either. What matter is an inner state of being that flows out into my worldview and how I treat others.
5. There is a direct connection to our diet (what we eat) and our spiritual well being. Maybe we should take a much harder look at that.
6. Sleep is a gift that gives health. If you want to be healthy - proper rest is key.
7. This is not a journey to a specific destination. So when people ask me how I am doing on the year of the diet, I don't know exactly how to answer that. I have not quit and my soul is healthier than ever.
So, nothing earth shattering, but it does change my perspective a bit on the future of this endeavor. I don't know what it looks like to not connect stress and eating. But unfortunately, what I have to also admit is that I don't know how to connect stress and prayer, stress and meditation, stress and turning to the Lord.
So maybe the biggest lesson that I am learning is that I need God more than ever. And I am still learning how to trust Him. And maybe that is the key that unlocks rest and health and Shalom...
To be continued.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Lessons from tragedy...
This last week, I did the unthinkable. I helped some of my dear friends lay one of their own children to rest. Even now, 10 days after the tragic car accident I find my self teared up over the reality of what the last week and a half has exposed about life and its frailty.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I still am not ready.
And yet, here I sit having to let go at some level of a relationship that was severed too soon.
My dear friends are great people. They love the Lord. They have 11 children - 7 biological and 4 adopted. And they have chosen through adoption to love kids from tough places. And love they did. And tough it was... and is.
A quick aside... for many who have not been a part of the adoption world, we see those who adopt as heroes. They "swoop" in and rescue this orphan and give them a place to be loved and accepted. It's a fairytale really.
For those of us who have walked the road of adoption ourselves or with others, we know that often, the "one we rescued" doesn't see it that way. The whole experience is one more reason to be afraid - very afraid. And when all a person knows is fear, the ability to connect, to love, to hope is all but taken away. Trying to be a part of a family unit that is trying to love you is near impossible when all one knows is fear.
Perhaps while part of the world sees adoptive parents as heroes, those of us on the inside of this world who see the pain of loving someone so much that does not know how to love you back would not describe them as heroes so much as frontline soldiers who are willing to do battle for the hearts of those who have no one else to fight for them. This is eerily similar to the heart of Jesus - to love those who do not know how to love you back.
This hard road is a road that I have watched my dear friends walk for the last few years of their lives. And love they did!! And tough it was... and is!! They have continued to walk this road with grace and love and dignity. I think (just to myself) that they have had to wonder if it was all worth it sometimes. In those moments of desperation. But they have chosen to love. Chosen to love. Chosen.
Please be clear on this. Love is not a feeling that we fall into out of. Love is a choice. And they have chosen. And I am honored to know my dear friends as people of principle who do the right thing because it is right, not because it is easy.
I have often spoken of my dear friends to others. I talk about their resolve, their fortitude. I have spoken to others about their ability to be resilient and their unwavering hope that God redeems every heartache - everyone.
And then, Saturday.
I have the greatest job in the world. Not that any other honest jobs are bad per se. But to have the amazing and sacred privilege to sit with people in moments of desperation. To sit in this tension of wanting to be with them for any other reason other than this, and yet honored to be called to walk through whatever mess a person or family is in. What a gift!
While that is true, I have to tell you that I was not ready for this moment. I have now been in ministry full or part time for 23 years. I have a bachelors and a masters and part of a doctorate in christian ministries. I have done funerals. I have counseled crisis.
This one was different.
This one was closer to home. This was my dear friends. And for the love of God they have had enough. In my opinion, of all the people who need to catch a break, my dear friends are those people.
And then my dear friends asked if I would bring the message at the funeral. On one hand, I was so honored. And yet I found myself realizing that I could barely hold it together emotionally in their living room (and in my own). How in the world am I going to be able to get through a funeral service? But I would do anything for my dear friends. Even weep in public. And weep I did... and still do.
I have 4 kids. Each one of my children were connected to this event. And each one of my children had their own emotional experience. All 4 of my amazing children wrestled with this event in different ways. And I think I see in them some points to ponder as I process my own questions.
My 18 year old daughter came to me the day after everything happened and wept and wept over the news that my dear friends' daughter who was 13 had gone home to be with the Lord. She said to me, "I don't know why I am so shook up about this whole thing. But I can't stop crying."
Romans 12 has a great verse in it. While Paul is talking about how we are supposed to treat one another, he says that God's people rejoice with those who rejoice. And we mourn with those who mourn.
Lesson 1 about tragedy... God's people mourn. And we should never mourn alone. And so we are drawn to one another in times like these. This is how people who love Jesus act. We weep for the hurt of others.
My 6'4", 16 year old son came up to me after the funeral service and I could tell he was "on the verge" of something. So I asked him how he was doing and he broke into tears. After a minute to compose himself, he said, "This just doesn't seem very fair."
Yeah, I had said that already in my own processing of the event.
So, I put my arm around him and simply said, "It's not fair. And God isn't fair. But He is good."
Lesson 2 about tragedy... To expect life to turn out "fair" (by which we mean people should get what they deserve) would only leave tragedy as tragic. God's love takes even the most broken parts of this world (and death is a very broken part of this world) and redeems those pieces for His glory.
An illustration I have used before: The rules of every great story are that at some point in the story everything has to fall apart. If that does not happen, the story is actually quite boring. The movie Gladiator needs Russell Crowe to lose everything and go from being a general to a slave. The movie The Patriot needs Mel Gibson to lose his children so that his cause to fight is just.
Any movie that has no tragedy is boring and uninteresting. We won't go see it.
Now at the other end of the spectrum are some of the plays that Shakespeare used to write. They were called tragedy. At the end of the play, everything falls apart and THE END. I submit Romeo and Juliet. This is terrible.
Whether or not our tragedies of life - and we all have them - are part of a great story or they are used to just make our lives a great tragedy is largely dependent on how we see where the tragedy lands on the timeline of the story God is telling with our lives and whether or not we believe He can redeem it in some way.
I have another son. He is 13. The same age as young girl who passed away. They were friends. They went to school together. They went to youth group together. His first words to me after finding out about the accident were - she and I were just beginning to be close friends. He took it pretty hard.
My amazing 13 year old son is an internal processor. And he feels things very deeply without the words to express it all sometimes. He, of all my kids, has had the most tear filled moments. He also went to the burial service with us.
On the way home, I asked him what he was thinking and/or feeling. He said that he didn't know exactly what he was thinking or feeling but that it was all mixed up and so he didn't say anything.
Lesson 3 about tragedy... When you don't know what to say, just be quiet.
Here is the thing about tragedy - it sucks. And we all want to hurt to go away for ourselves and for those who are a direct part of the tragedy itself. And so, we say things to try to help. Phrases that we believe will make things better. It doesn't help. And it doesn't make anything better to say things when you don't know what to say or how to say it.
In moments of tragedy, silence is golden and presence is powerful. In other words, show up and shut up.
I have a 9 year old daughter as well. She has been out of the loop a bit in all of this, even though she is good friends with some of the children of my dear friends. As I was talking with her about all this, she simply said - (the daughter of my dear friends) is with Jesus in heaven now.
And "from the mouth of babes" comes maybe the most profound part of all this.
Lesson 4 about tragedy... God takes the darkest moments of our lives and ultimately gives them purpose and meaning if we will choose to trust in Him.
And there is that word again - choose.
Maybe the biggest lesson I am learning is that today, I have a choice to see the world, my convictions, and events around me through whatever lens I want. And whatever lens I choose, I am heavily influenced by that decision.
Maybe that is a lesson that my dear friends have been teaching me all along. And maybe I could learn from them, not just in tragedy but in day to day life that whatever I choose, I choose to see God as a God who loves and redeems and make beauty from ashes. And that if that is true, then in order to have beauty we are going to have to have a few ashes first. And that is okay.
I love you, my dear friends. You are not alone.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I still am not ready.
And yet, here I sit having to let go at some level of a relationship that was severed too soon.
My dear friends are great people. They love the Lord. They have 11 children - 7 biological and 4 adopted. And they have chosen through adoption to love kids from tough places. And love they did. And tough it was... and is.
A quick aside... for many who have not been a part of the adoption world, we see those who adopt as heroes. They "swoop" in and rescue this orphan and give them a place to be loved and accepted. It's a fairytale really.
For those of us who have walked the road of adoption ourselves or with others, we know that often, the "one we rescued" doesn't see it that way. The whole experience is one more reason to be afraid - very afraid. And when all a person knows is fear, the ability to connect, to love, to hope is all but taken away. Trying to be a part of a family unit that is trying to love you is near impossible when all one knows is fear.
Perhaps while part of the world sees adoptive parents as heroes, those of us on the inside of this world who see the pain of loving someone so much that does not know how to love you back would not describe them as heroes so much as frontline soldiers who are willing to do battle for the hearts of those who have no one else to fight for them. This is eerily similar to the heart of Jesus - to love those who do not know how to love you back.
This hard road is a road that I have watched my dear friends walk for the last few years of their lives. And love they did!! And tough it was... and is!! They have continued to walk this road with grace and love and dignity. I think (just to myself) that they have had to wonder if it was all worth it sometimes. In those moments of desperation. But they have chosen to love. Chosen to love. Chosen.
Please be clear on this. Love is not a feeling that we fall into out of. Love is a choice. And they have chosen. And I am honored to know my dear friends as people of principle who do the right thing because it is right, not because it is easy.
I have often spoken of my dear friends to others. I talk about their resolve, their fortitude. I have spoken to others about their ability to be resilient and their unwavering hope that God redeems every heartache - everyone.
And then, Saturday.
I have the greatest job in the world. Not that any other honest jobs are bad per se. But to have the amazing and sacred privilege to sit with people in moments of desperation. To sit in this tension of wanting to be with them for any other reason other than this, and yet honored to be called to walk through whatever mess a person or family is in. What a gift!
While that is true, I have to tell you that I was not ready for this moment. I have now been in ministry full or part time for 23 years. I have a bachelors and a masters and part of a doctorate in christian ministries. I have done funerals. I have counseled crisis.
This one was different.
This one was closer to home. This was my dear friends. And for the love of God they have had enough. In my opinion, of all the people who need to catch a break, my dear friends are those people.
And then my dear friends asked if I would bring the message at the funeral. On one hand, I was so honored. And yet I found myself realizing that I could barely hold it together emotionally in their living room (and in my own). How in the world am I going to be able to get through a funeral service? But I would do anything for my dear friends. Even weep in public. And weep I did... and still do.
I have 4 kids. Each one of my children were connected to this event. And each one of my children had their own emotional experience. All 4 of my amazing children wrestled with this event in different ways. And I think I see in them some points to ponder as I process my own questions.
My 18 year old daughter came to me the day after everything happened and wept and wept over the news that my dear friends' daughter who was 13 had gone home to be with the Lord. She said to me, "I don't know why I am so shook up about this whole thing. But I can't stop crying."
Romans 12 has a great verse in it. While Paul is talking about how we are supposed to treat one another, he says that God's people rejoice with those who rejoice. And we mourn with those who mourn.
Lesson 1 about tragedy... God's people mourn. And we should never mourn alone. And so we are drawn to one another in times like these. This is how people who love Jesus act. We weep for the hurt of others.
My 6'4", 16 year old son came up to me after the funeral service and I could tell he was "on the verge" of something. So I asked him how he was doing and he broke into tears. After a minute to compose himself, he said, "This just doesn't seem very fair."
Yeah, I had said that already in my own processing of the event.
So, I put my arm around him and simply said, "It's not fair. And God isn't fair. But He is good."
Lesson 2 about tragedy... To expect life to turn out "fair" (by which we mean people should get what they deserve) would only leave tragedy as tragic. God's love takes even the most broken parts of this world (and death is a very broken part of this world) and redeems those pieces for His glory.
An illustration I have used before: The rules of every great story are that at some point in the story everything has to fall apart. If that does not happen, the story is actually quite boring. The movie Gladiator needs Russell Crowe to lose everything and go from being a general to a slave. The movie The Patriot needs Mel Gibson to lose his children so that his cause to fight is just.
Any movie that has no tragedy is boring and uninteresting. We won't go see it.
Now at the other end of the spectrum are some of the plays that Shakespeare used to write. They were called tragedy. At the end of the play, everything falls apart and THE END. I submit Romeo and Juliet. This is terrible.
Whether or not our tragedies of life - and we all have them - are part of a great story or they are used to just make our lives a great tragedy is largely dependent on how we see where the tragedy lands on the timeline of the story God is telling with our lives and whether or not we believe He can redeem it in some way.
I have another son. He is 13. The same age as young girl who passed away. They were friends. They went to school together. They went to youth group together. His first words to me after finding out about the accident were - she and I were just beginning to be close friends. He took it pretty hard.
My amazing 13 year old son is an internal processor. And he feels things very deeply without the words to express it all sometimes. He, of all my kids, has had the most tear filled moments. He also went to the burial service with us.
On the way home, I asked him what he was thinking and/or feeling. He said that he didn't know exactly what he was thinking or feeling but that it was all mixed up and so he didn't say anything.
Lesson 3 about tragedy... When you don't know what to say, just be quiet.
Here is the thing about tragedy - it sucks. And we all want to hurt to go away for ourselves and for those who are a direct part of the tragedy itself. And so, we say things to try to help. Phrases that we believe will make things better. It doesn't help. And it doesn't make anything better to say things when you don't know what to say or how to say it.
In moments of tragedy, silence is golden and presence is powerful. In other words, show up and shut up.
I have a 9 year old daughter as well. She has been out of the loop a bit in all of this, even though she is good friends with some of the children of my dear friends. As I was talking with her about all this, she simply said - (the daughter of my dear friends) is with Jesus in heaven now.
And "from the mouth of babes" comes maybe the most profound part of all this.
Lesson 4 about tragedy... God takes the darkest moments of our lives and ultimately gives them purpose and meaning if we will choose to trust in Him.
And there is that word again - choose.
Maybe the biggest lesson I am learning is that today, I have a choice to see the world, my convictions, and events around me through whatever lens I want. And whatever lens I choose, I am heavily influenced by that decision.
Maybe that is a lesson that my dear friends have been teaching me all along. And maybe I could learn from them, not just in tragedy but in day to day life that whatever I choose, I choose to see God as a God who loves and redeems and make beauty from ashes. And that if that is true, then in order to have beauty we are going to have to have a few ashes first. And that is okay.
I love you, my dear friends. You are not alone.
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